The Russian online newspaper Kursiv has returned—sort of. (See this post for background.) After a week of “page not found” errors, the curious reader was rewarded with success today at www.cursiv.ru: a single page of text. Here it is in translation, in its entirety:
They certainly descended on us! Like crows! Who would’ve thought that Kursiv could elicit such a silly and stormy brouhaha in the government agencies, spending government money for naught. We humbly bow to the tax-paying citizen: this isn’t our doing. All this nonsense comes from their governmental zeal.
First off, the Ivanovo regional prosecutor and the regional organized crime division came bursting into our office. To take away the computers because of the article “Putin as Russia’s Phallic Symbol.” The editor, Rakhmankov, shouts at the crows: “Boys! Tie me up, but not the computers. I admit, I wrote the article, bust my rambunctious head!” But the crows say: “No, brother. We don’t want your stupid little confession. Give us the computers!” And they took them, the bastards. And sealed the office.
Why do they want an editorial office without computers? And why do they want the computers themselves? How will the computers help them puff up article 319 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation if Rakhmankov has already admitted that he was the person who was having a bit of fun with the article about the phallus, and if the prosecutor thinks the article about the phallus falls under article 319?
True, the interrogators learned all this from Rakhmankov, but did he discuss the point of the article ahead of time with anyone else? Rakhmankov—no fool he—caught on immediately: the affair stinks of an organized criminal conspiracy against the entire phallic symbol of all Russia. He says: “No, I only discussed the point of the article with my computer!” Well, they seized the computer. And every other computer within range. And sealed the office, to keep any other computer from wandering in.
They drew up a criminal complaint against Rakhmankov and an injunction against his leaving the area.
And that’s not all. Our bureaucrats always have to add a bit of the grotesque. No sooner does the prosecutor seal the office than a letter arrives from the regional government: vacate the office, you haven’t paid your rent (the editorial office of Kursiv is in a building belonging to the regional government). If you do not leave immediately, we will cut off the electricity! Now the editor is scratching his head—have they cut off the electricity in the sealed office or not? And how is he to get out of a sealed office?
But that’s not all! The prosecutor, together with the organized crime division, have scared all the Ivanovo internet service providers with the Kursiv affair, scared them worse than any hunter ever scared a single rabbit with his borzois. One would think, well, what do these ISPs have to do with anything? Especially since they have had absolutely nothing to do with Kursiv. But no—the question of Kursiv‘s hosting must take them deep, deep into the woods. Happily, the internet is an international thing. For a dollar a month you can post a splendid little page like this one. Without superfluous junk like a forum, archive, or other bells and whistles. Very appropriate for underground types …
… But not for Kursiv. The underground just isn’t our style, you see. It’s fine to fight for truth, justice, and world peace from the underground, but we don’t have a very clear sense of what these terms mean. We are more inclined to scoff at those in power, especially given that they are indeed so ridiculous—from the village elder to the president of the country. So, think of this page as a dog marking its territory, that’s all. We’ll start scoffing again in a little while, once we’ve solved the problem of computers, offices, hosting, and other things a normal internet newspaper requires. Not more than a month, dear ladies and gentlemen. But we won’t jinx ourselves by guessing at a date certain.
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Actually, this was an apology to you, dear readers of Kursiv, for the interruption in service.
31.05.2006
